A New Day

So hardy har har, I feel like my life is a gigantic joke right now. No matter what I do, I can't gain headway, I'm living bound only by my desire to make the others around me happy. I'm a pleaser, as long as everyone around me is happy shouldn't I be happy too? But as I try and try I fail and fail...Miserably. So today I spent all morning finally making an attempt at making the house I share with the room-mate feel more like a part of me, I do have to say it does look quite nice considering it was hap-hazardly put together. A touch of class and elegance to a forest green very worn sectional lounger that she purchased on craigslist. After all I had done my room-mate comes out and says wow it looks like Christmas in here. OUCH. Nothing like a gigantic slap in the face when I managed to make it look like people of class lived here. Not only had I done that but cooked dinner for the entire family as well. Funny I thought for a moment that she would love it, but I knew her decorating style prior to us moving in I should have expected this much. It's funny because she's told me, to make the house mine, to be the decorator because she knows I'm good at it and when I finally do, its not what she meant obviously. Did she ask me before buying a green sectional? Nope just texts me, he how do you feel about bright forest green? Wow. I'm beginning to think more and more that I was never meant to be a room-mate person. I happen to think I'm an awesome room mate. I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, and organizing. I keep my personal mail, junk, and belongings in my room. I feel trapped, I don't want to leave my room mate here alone in a house in a city where she knows no one, alone with two children. She's having a hard time as it is. But the longer I stay in the house the more sanity I lose. I have a need for cleanliness, and my own decorating style, to not feel responsible for my kiddo possibly destroying her things, or saying mean things to her daughter. I barely make enough money to pay for the rent and Kira's daycare, let alone my car payment, insurance, phone bill and payments on my 55,000 in student loans. My life ultimately blows for the moment. And I feel so backed against a wall. My love life is even more comical. I come the closest to true love yet and after a series of events find myself doubting that love exists at all, at least in the romantic sense. But those feelings just wont subside. Then there's my ex-ex... aka Baby Daddy as most call the father of their children, my family and friends have much other choice names for him, however. I take a job in the shit hole of the valley and completely change my life again to give him the opportunity to see his child. Lived all but 1/2 mile away and he saw her at the most 2 to 3 times a month. Since I have moved back in August he's seen her a whopping 3 times due to his "very busy" schedule. And he is now officially 8 months behind in child support! But when I picked Kira up from his house last weekend his new BMW sure was nice! And to boot his girlfriend is pregnant, saw it with my own two eyes because I am apparently not even allowed to see Isaac anymore, let alone speak to him on the phone. He's only allowed to text me. LOL. Wow, I wish I had had the lock down on him that this one does, then he might actually still be a part of Kira's life. Oh well his loss. On a better note, my friends of long are still my best buds, keep me in line, just wish I saw them more, looks like due to my ever changing work schedule I will be working only evenings now so I can kiss my social life goodbye, hahahaha. Life, it just keeps getting better. I promise my blog entries to be more entertaining in the future, however the venting was necessary.