And So It Is.

Just like you thought it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time. Okay maybe not. Life just keeps taking interesting twists at every fork in the road. Yesterday my grandfather collapsed at the breakfast table convulsing in my grandmothers arms. And only days before I found myself staring face to face with a dead man whom I had never known in the place people go to survive. Seeing this man, who only a few hours before had been living and breathing as I am sitting here typing this, really brought it's hammer down on me. Life is so fragile and yet we live it with such contempt and lack of concern for not only our lives but the others around us. We drive drunk in our cars making us a big metal torpedo destined to ruin someone else lives if not our own, we pump our selves full of toxins, live and thrive on negativity and greed only to die somewhere in a hospital. This man was 43 years old. Not really that old by today's standards. It brought the reality of life and death face forward and then only two days later its right in my face again and life's fragility was exposed in my 91 year old grandfather collapse at the breakfast table. As the bill collectors keep calling I have to remind myself that they cannot squeeze blood from a rock, although I feel like they are trying to. As long as I have the breath in lungs they cannot take that from me at least. My rock, my strong hold, my grandmother has finally succombed to the stresses that have long plagued her life. Today after a sleepless night with my grandfather in the hospital she returned home to a big glass of burbon and water and the honest truth finally tumbled from her lips. She made admissions to being so broke that all of her credit cards were maxed out, she had reached her limit. To see the woman I had always relied on for strength finally crumble made me feel as though I was crumbling inside too, because if she had weaknesses and felt unable to make it anymore, what did that say about myself, with my 55,000 dollars in student loan debt a per diem job that may have me work this week and without a pay check the next over 600$ a month in daycare, health bills, and food for Kira, car payment, health insurance, and her father can't even pay 400$ a month in childsupport. I feel weak, or at my weakest. I'm praying and praying constantly that things get better, a full time job, some stability, a ray of hope in this world. If Kira only new how scared I was right now about what will become of us. I pray that she never does.