The New Guy on the Island

So maybe someone can explain to me how two people that have known all of the same people and grew up (well kind of) in the same town can go 28 years without meeting each other? Ha ha well I can, Fate. God has incredible sense of humor, or maybe he just always knows better and when exactly to put someone in your life. He tends to do it, especially when you need it... smart guy that God. So yes, there's a new beau in my life. He sure is special... gets me all giggly. Funny thing about this one, he's totally different from any route I've ever gone, in the best way ever. Simple, humble, non-judgmental, talented beyond all reason, handsome, and best of all he spoils the crap out of me. Not with fancy dinners, or expensive gifts but by giving me all he has to offer, especially his time and my own. He's a man, a real one, who works with his hands, and isn't afraid to get a little dirty to fix something, build something, or stand up for the girl he calls his own. He won't complain or whine when he's hurt, but he knows how to show his emotions when he needs to. He acts like a kid, but knows how to be a man when he needs to be. He isn't about showing off even though he's got a lot to put out there, he'll hug a stranger, and be your best friend by the end of the night the first time he meets you. His family is amazing, truly like my own, loving, adoring, affectionate, and welcoming, doting both my daughter and I with the kindest affection we've ever seen. Now I know what I've been missing, and found it all wrapped up into one. A man who lets me be me, doesn't tell me how to dress, or fix my hair, or how to put on my make up, one who loves hanging out with my friends, and my family and no matter how bad he feels he still puts on a happy face. He's seen me at my worst and still thinks I'm amazing. How lucky am I? Guess you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. The frogs just make you appreciate the prince even more when you finally get him. Funny thing about this one... most guys in the past would try to buy their way into my daughters heart, bargaining with getting her a treat, or buying her this toy, and she would be excited to see them, not for them though... and first words out of her mouth would be "what did you get me," "did you bring me something," yeah that doesn't really work for me. See he's different, he actually gives her his time and nothing else, and she can't wait for him to come home, not for some gift she's expecting, but the gift of his hug, or for him to sing her a song, or dance with her, makes my heart sing. And it hasn't sung this loud ever...Yes, there's a new guy on my island, and I'm pretty darn sure this ones gonna last a lot longer than a three hour tour.

Gilligan, signing off....

A Long Time Coming...

It's been a long time since I sat to spill my words out on the white screen of my lap top. But I believe its long overdue. Its healthy for me to go back and read my online journal so to speak and reminisce about where I've been and how far I've come in my own personal growth. So much has occurred lately it's hard to know quite where to begin. The holidays have come and gone and its time to return to the reality of life...the nine to five. The hustle and bustle of the end of this year and the beginning of a new one. And this new year holds so much promise for a better life for everyone. With opportunity and joy. Since my previous blogs about my old living circumstances so much has changed. I'm HAPPY. Genuinely happy. I made the best decision in my life to return to the one town I thought I'd never be so happy to see. To my hometown, my old Alma Mater. Some people have argued the point that moving to an old cow poke town is the last place they would expect to see me, but that is the most unrealistic depiction of my hometown any one could convey. And let me tell you why... Yes, it's a small town and gossip and speculation and conjecture are very common here. But that gossip and "chisme" are great things to have when you're child is a teenager and it's the only way you're going to find out what they've really been up to when they're not in your sights... But there's also family... not everyone is a homebody, this I am aware of. But let me tell you, I am! The tradition and unity of a small town wether for a high school sports event, or when someone is in dire need, this town unites. In a way no big city ever would or could. That feeling of belonging somewhere is what brings people back; generation after generation. My little Kira is the fourth generation in Devine to wear our maroon and gold. And I couldn't be any prouder. Things down here are so much simpler, where a hug and a handshake take you back to a day when people really were who they said they were. Where instead of sitting around playing video games, we sit around actually talking to each other trying our luck at a card game, or warming our selves by a fire pit. Where the simplicity of the town you grow up in keeps your humble, and sane, yet teaches you the meaning of pride. So many wonderful things about this town, and though most don't see it through my rose colored glasses, I finally feel at home, and my daughter reciprocates this simply perfect feeling. The evenings spent on the front porch playing my guitar, drinking a beer with my amazing roommate, while the neighborhood kids all run around playing outside just like the good ole' days, before internet, before people were afraid to let their kids play outside for fear of predators, before video games, before parents were just too tired to spend even a moments time with their children... if this is what small towns have to offer, sign me up, I'll take it. Signing off for now...

Why I Hate Being A Woman

Did I shave my legs for this? Really?!?! As women we're supposed to be strong, yet dependant. If you're too independent men don't like that. Men need to feel needed or they feel like they aren't in a relationship. But if we're too needy oh watch out, because no one slams a door closed faster than a man fearing for his bachelor years. The sad truth is that things that make a strong woman needy can't be Pre-empted or prophesized. It's those life shattering, changing, events that make us want to rely on the strength of someone else. Marilyn Monroe said it best that at times I'm a little crazy, and a little out of control but if you can't handle me at my worst why would you deserve me at my best? So what do you do when you rely on that special someone in that time of weakness and they continuously remind you of that weakness to the point that they claim you are selfish for them always coming to your rescue. It's not fair, it's not right, but this wound is taking longer to heal than I anticipated. When you truly believe that someone is your soulmate heart and soul what do you do when they rip the Heart from your chest and spit on it? Forgive? Forget? I can't do either yet. The one thing that gives me any kind of pleasure is knowing that what he said to me was so wrong that one day he's going to look back and realize just how badly he wronged someone that loved him with all of their heart. What's wrong is that I have to live with this devastation, what if I never ever feel that way about someone ever again? What if that was my one chance to feel that sparkle, that tingle, that magic? I know before "him" that it never existed, what if it doesn't after? What if because of his blow up I spend the rest of my life searching endlessly for that kiss, that smell, that happiness I had only with him. He's still caught up in his anger, probably just sitting waiting for the opportunity to destroy me once again, while I wait for the opportunity to let him do it, just to know for even a second he was thinking about me. I hate being a woman... Because men don't suffer like this. They cheat, they lie, they destroy women in their path and laugh about it, turn it into a joke with their friends. While women muster up the strength to try once again to find romantic fullfilment until the next man decides they're some sort of emotional wreck with baggage. Being a single mother as well; that brings on a whole other list of social faux pauxs. Just because some other man treated us badly we obviously don't deserve to be loved, nor appreciated for the sacrifice we've made. We apprently are all destined to single-motherdom for eternity because we're bipolar and selfish. The sacrifices that we make to support our children always go unnoticed and unnappreciated. It's bull shit. This is why I hate being a woman because it's a biased world geared toward male satisfaction where no matter what women do or suffer through they will never be loved or appreciated the way they deserve because that's just not the way this world works. Until the next episode...

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Rollercoaster Ruckus

Has anyone else noticed that life as intricate and detailed as it is seems to be really just follows suit with whatever everything else is doing. When things are up...they are all the way up; but when they're down holy moly hold on to your britches because you're about to get bitch slapped with 3 G's worth of negative gravity right in the freakin face. It's like a snowball effect, it starts with one little thing and then another and another. Where is that red emergency button to end the whole ride, I'm flailing my arms in every direction on this downward slope hoping to find that button and prevent me from screaming aloud like a wee little girl, but I have yet to find it. It all started with a little trip to the er last week and is now snowballing into that two month full time position turning into a 1 and a half week full time position. Ironic how I had finally had the positive outlook I had been searching for and then bammm right in the kisser that rollercoaster went into some sort of death defying triple roll that sent me crying to mommy, but at least I didn't throw up my cotton candy. Man, what a bittersweet taste this whole year has already left in my mouth, something like a combination of burnt coffee and rotten papaya. So what to do next, how to make this evil rollercoaster stop? I would really prefer to go ride on the kiddie one with Kira and live oblivious to all of the stresses, insults, and degradations I've had to suffer and just chug along with a big smile on my face...simply enjoying the mild ride. The old addage we live and we learn is so true. I just wish that learning didn't have to be so painful all of the time. But if it wasn't painful it wouldn't etch it's lesson quite as well into your soul though no would it? The one phrase I hate the most though is the "everything happens for a reason" quip. I despise it, ugh. What if, let's just say, everything doesn't happen for a reason. That there is no rhyme and no reason to why bad things happen to good people. Like the 3 year old child dignosed with cancer, or the 2 year old asleep in her bed that is killed in her own home by a drunk driver that plows through her house. What if... We just say that there is a reason for everything that happens to help us cope with our personal dilhemmas so that we don't feel so bad. As humans without having something bigger/greater/outside of ourselves to blame for our misgivings and hardships it would mean we would be responsible and us soully for what occurs. Most of us are too prideful, arrogant, and brainwashed to see that. Perhaps coincidence is just bull shit, perhaps everything happens for reason is a crock of crap we tell ourselves to keep us from losing our minds. Truth is we've already lost them in the ideas and concepts and misgivings of a society who has programmed us to ride this damn rollercoaster, and while I'm still searching for that red emergency stop button, I'm pretty sure I'll never find it. John Mayer wrote an increadible song called Stop This Train, I think I'll listen to it a million times today. Until the next episode.

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Irony and honesty...

Ho hum, life it is... Honest and ironic. Honest in the way that you always end up finding out the truth and ironic in the fact that you hardly expect half of what comes your way upon learning that truth. It's increadible to me that honesty, though rare, is demonstrated in the most unhonest ways possible. You can be with someone for an eternity and until something grand happens you never truly know how they really feel about you, themselves, or any given situation. Irony is a key aspect to that, the most inconceivable ideas are most often the most ironic because the simple and most rational answer and outcome usually sits right before you in actuality. So for myself irony entails... A) moving away from the skipper and back with my family to be more at peace, then B) having my entire world fall apart making such peace unobtainable. In a previous blog I mentioned those masks we all wore. How we perceive ourselves or at least choose to in front of the world. I have always perceived myself in a way that I was comfortable with; it was an archetype I had accepted. Single mom, friend, employee, daughter, etc. But not once in my perception of my self had I included the choice phrases my ex decided to bestow upon me yesterday. It was evident that his brutal honesty over how he felt about my past, was something he had long been containing. The irony in it is that he had just moved to San Antonio to " be with the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with" so now he's here in San Antonio and has electively destroyed myself and any beautiful memory I had ever had of us. The world and this life are honest, they've waited a while to show the reality of someone who I thought I knew very well. But in irony and honesty, which seems to encompass every aspect of my life, I feel grateful that I can know who he really was. I was upset I cried I beat myself up and then I recognized no matter what he said to me, I know the honest truth and he has to suffer through the rest of his life knowing he wronged someone who loved him and forgave him for more than she ever should have. I take in a deep breath and as I exhale the blackness and the pain I feel leave me and forgiveness and hope move in. Hope for something better for us... Where honesty plays the biggest part and irony leaves us all pleasantly surprised. Until the next episode...

Belief

So after receiving the good news about my new job opportunity I made it a point to call everyone close to me. The most important call was to my grandmother, due to the overwhelming stress of her daily life these days, her response to my good news meant the most to me. As I told her she started crying and thanking God. She had been so worried and in all the bad that has been of late, this was one prayer that had finally been answered out of so many. Her true love for myself and Kira may have been the one prayer that made it finally come to fruition. It started me wondering on how strong prayer and positive thought truly is. Wether you're a christian, or a muslim, or an atheist our own beliefs power how we live our lives. It's like we've all forgotten how to use our most powerful tool, and that tool is belief and thought and doesn't require anything other than something we already have. We just have to remember how to use it and in the right way. This whole world is driven by thought and belief, in right and wrong, in god and hell. What if it wasn't so much about what you believed in but HOW we believed in it? One of the incredible things about humans is that we all need something to believe in, it gives us purpose because if we have nothing to believe in it would make our existence meaningless. I honestly don't care what one person or the other believes in as long is it doesn't involve crucifying someone else for not thinking like I do. As we are all individuals and entitled to believe in anything we want, there are some common things worth believing in as HUMANS. Love, peace, happiness. If we could step back from that mirror and stop separating our selves from each other by race, religion, and social class, we could see that we all hurt the same, we suffer the same, we all bleed the same color. Is it truly so hard to comprehend? If we just believe in each other and that love and life can prevail what prevents us from achieving true happiness? Only ourselves, our minds, and what we've been programmed to think by our predecessors. We let the media form our images of what is "cool" tell us what is "news" and we all believe in it, and because we do it truly is so. Most people never question what the media feeds us because it goes against what we've been taught our whole lives. It gives us something to believe in, and thus feeds the human need for that reason for living. We live to feed that lust for what the media tells us we need. We need to look a certain way, we need to own a certain car, we need to believe in politician's and huge governmental cover ups. If we don't believe in what we're constantly being fed by the media then what is there to believe in? I'll tell you what... the smile your child gives you when they look up at you and genuinely love you for no other reason than you love them that much too. Believe in that tingle you get in your tummy when you are with that special someone that makes your life seem not so bad. Believe in the love your parents gave you when they held your hand, and kissed your boo boos. Those things are real, they are tangible moments when belief played the biggest role in your life and you never even knew it. So here was my grandmother going through one of hardest times in her life believing in ME. That is something worth believing in. Just like I hope you can all believe in something that is finally worth it, wether it's God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah, an idea, a feeling, or just in man kind in general, take that belief, cherish it and let it be a positive moving force in your life, because in one way or another it will make itself a reality. I had lost hope lately, believing that I had lost the battle. But I believe my grandmother's sound belief in prayer and myself brought this turn of good luck to fruition and it makes me believe in her love even more. A wonderful life's lesson, look outside the box and deep inside yourself, the answers are there if you are ready and willing to believe in you and less in what everyone else wants you to. Be an individual, an original, and the possibilities are endless.

And So It Is.

Just like you thought it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time. Okay maybe not. Life just keeps taking interesting twists at every fork in the road. Yesterday my grandfather collapsed at the breakfast table convulsing in my grandmothers arms. And only days before I found myself staring face to face with a dead man whom I had never known in the place people go to survive. Seeing this man, who only a few hours before had been living and breathing as I am sitting here typing this, really brought it's hammer down on me. Life is so fragile and yet we live it with such contempt and lack of concern for not only our lives but the others around us. We drive drunk in our cars making us a big metal torpedo destined to ruin someone else lives if not our own, we pump our selves full of toxins, live and thrive on negativity and greed only to die somewhere in a hospital. This man was 43 years old. Not really that old by today's standards. It brought the reality of life and death face forward and then only two days later its right in my face again and life's fragility was exposed in my 91 year old grandfather collapse at the breakfast table. As the bill collectors keep calling I have to remind myself that they cannot squeeze blood from a rock, although I feel like they are trying to. As long as I have the breath in lungs they cannot take that from me at least. My rock, my strong hold, my grandmother has finally succombed to the stresses that have long plagued her life. Today after a sleepless night with my grandfather in the hospital she returned home to a big glass of burbon and water and the honest truth finally tumbled from her lips. She made admissions to being so broke that all of her credit cards were maxed out, she had reached her limit. To see the woman I had always relied on for strength finally crumble made me feel as though I was crumbling inside too, because if she had weaknesses and felt unable to make it anymore, what did that say about myself, with my 55,000 dollars in student loan debt a per diem job that may have me work this week and without a pay check the next over 600$ a month in daycare, health bills, and food for Kira, car payment, health insurance, and her father can't even pay 400$ a month in childsupport. I feel weak, or at my weakest. I'm praying and praying constantly that things get better, a full time job, some stability, a ray of hope in this world. If Kira only new how scared I was right now about what will become of us. I pray that she never does.

In Limbo

Traveling with the bags in my car, and the wind at my back between here and there. Not truly belonging anywhere. So since Friday evening I've been staying at my Grandmother's house, because quite frankly I cannot stand to be at the house. I returned only today to utilize the glory of internet which is absent at my grandmother's and make sure the place hasn't burned to the ground. While it hasn't burned to the ground it looks as though a whirlwind of a tornado has been through here, papers and bags, and pillows and toys and dishes everywhere. YIKES. All of this over 2 days on the weekend? WOW. Can't say that I didn't expect it on some level. So staying at Grandmothers has been interesting to say the least. I can tell that time and my grandfather are finally taking their toll on the strongest woman I know. My Grandmother has obviously been really worked to the bone, she's getting anxious and easily irritated. A side of her I have never seen. My staying there to evade what I've been going through doesn't seem to rub her the right way either, the first time ever I have felt like an uninvited guest in my grandmother's house. So here I sit in this limbo of emotions, wanting to respect my grandmother and her already stressful situation, but afraid of my daughters well being with my working nights. Hopefully after this month I will be back to day shifts and won't have to worry about night care for my energetic 4 year old. So my ex is obviously still in town. When I returned the other day from work I noticed my golf shoes sitting in the entryway to the house. I wish I had known he was going to leave my stuff on my doorstep because I would have done the same thing. It's so sad for the kiddo and I, He still hasn't apologized at all nor tried to have any attempt at communicating how to get the rest of my belongings back. I so wish I could just turn back the hands of time. So in limbo I stand without a truly comfortable place to rest my head. My $13.00 a day budget has been fun maintaining as well. Especially when I'm traveling a good 45 miles each way to San Antonio for work and other things. GRRRRR. Life has got to improve, this limbo must only be temporary. Like so many other facets of my life. Until the next episode.

The Mirror.

So... I am officially the proud owner of my own very hickified western boots. I got out of the country lifestyle long ago, no more party's in a field around a huge bonfire with ice chests full of beer. But some how it appears that western boots are in the up-most fashion. I owe my newest addition to my shoe collection to a very long standing close friend of mine who felt that he owed me a belated christmas/birthday present. As I browsed through the shoes and the most flamboyant salesman ever gushed me with compliments over how posh they were. I neglected to see how much they cost. That was until I got to work and was telling the girls about my first pair of cowboy boots. They asked me if I could show them to them online and when I located them...my jaw dropped!!! I could not believe that my friend had been willing to buy me a random pair of shoes and not once drop the price on me. That one kind gesture put an incredible smile on my face. Why would someone do something like that for me? When I talked to him about it later he said that if anyone deserved a little pampering right now it was me! I had been through so much in the last 4 years and overcome so much, I never thought of how others perceived me in the process. But he said my never ending ability to look at the positive and keep persevering gave him strength in hard times in his life, so inadvertently I bettered his life as well. WOW. It was the biggest boost to my ego that I had experienced in a long time. So the life lesson here is that you should always be aware of how you are reacting in situations, step outside yourself and be aware of how you are projecting on other people. Because you never know how the way you are reacting, either positive or negative, is affecting people around you. I had to scan an out patient at the hospital and the older woman's daughter was there with her, and you could tell that the mother was a complainer and that not much I was going to do or say was going to make her happy. Every time she complained about something I met her needs and did with a chipper up beat tone, by the end of the exam the senile angry old woman had turned into a sweet and loving grandmother, she sat there and thanked me for taking her seriously, said that no one else did anymore. Her daughter wrote a letter to our department wishing that everyone showed the same compassion for people that I did. Funny, because I was just being aware of how I was with her to make her feel more comfortable. There are a lot of people I wish I could just carry a big mirror around for and a tape recorder, or even better yet a video camera, so they could be aware of how they are approaching people. Every time they become abrasive or brash I just hold that mirror up so they become aware of it. Do you ever notice how in photos people look picture perfect smiling and putting on a show, but as soon as the camera is down they return to their normal demeanor . I would like to start taking candid pictures of people when they are wearing their real faces and randomly printing them and handing them to them. In fact I will start my collection tomorrow. For prosperity and such. The skipper is going to be one of the first in my little scientific test. The moment I walked in the door from work tonight I could see the pure ugghhhh in her face. It was obvious I was in for an evening and boy was I right. Apparently her job is in jeopardy. I tried my best to console her and give her the strength she needs but I'm afraid my advice fell on deaf ears. Nothing I said seemed to register. Time to leave this house. I'm working nights and with this added stress to her already faltering personality I can most certainly not entrust her with the care of my daughter. So the commute from Lytle to San Antonio will be easily met now with my new cowboy boots, because these boots were made for walking and that's just what they'll do....

The Vagrant

So another busy day done. Woke up this morning, got the girls ready for school. Dropped them all off, except for Kira and we came home to mop the floor, clean the kitchen, and start cooking dinner so it will be ready for dinner this evening. As I sat there teaching Kira how to fold towels I was reminded of the sweet memories of helping grandma do exactly the same thing at that age. So here is my own flesh and blood growing up the same way I did, valuing the same things that I did, and growing into her own person beautifully. So work was slow enough again, but my last patient was a vagrant, who stunk horribly of booze. But in his fog of lude remarks and distasteful statements he said something that fell very heavy on my shoulders, he stated that he wished his wife could be there with him but that she had left him to go to heaven. He told me that love was the one thing in his life that was ever worth anything, and that if I loved someone to hold on to them tight and show them every day how much they mean to you, because one day they won't be there anymore and you need to know for your own well being that they were always aware of that. Here I was in a room with a quote un-quote bum that knew more about love than half of the people I'm constantly surrounded by. I shared a few laughs with the man that has sung with the blues brothers, lived in the cajun bayous eating alligator, and was a self professed life long hippy and as I left his room felt comfortable knowing that at least one person sat down and listened to his amazing story and didn't judge him and blow him off like he was the trash that he probably slept in before they brought him into the hospital. How many of us could say honestly that in a different situation we wouldn't have turned a blind eye to him and acted like we just didn't see him. But here he was professing one of the greatest truths of our generation, because if we could only treat everyone with that love, that kindness, that compassion, how much better would this world truly be. Finally done with my day I get home and my daughter meets me at the door with all kinds of confessions. First she cleaned the toilet (gulp) she witnessed me do the same thing the other day and took the initiative on my own while she was supposed to be asleep, she played with my makeup in my bed only to get it all over the bed (white sheets by the way) , and then she tried to clean it up which only fully rubbed it in, probably making it impossible to get out. All of this with the spanish news channel on. WOW. It took everything in me not to bawl my eyes out in frustration, the room was destroyed and my daughter could have ingested lord knows what and my room mate would have known absolutely nothing. NOT GOOD. I think Kira is fully aware of how upset I was too, she started crying when she saw me tear up. Not only all of this but Kira had not been bathed, she was not in her PJ's or even brushed her teeth. What did the skipper do with her other than feed her the food that I had already prepared for dinner? Put her in my room to go to bed, without a bath/shower, pj's or a good toothbrushing? Way to go, her day must have been really hard, or she must have been overwhelmed with housework. OH WAIT!! I did the dishes, washed the laundry, cooked dinner, and cleaned the house.... hmmmmmm. I am officially tired and have to get up early to take the girls to school in the morning so I'm officially signing out. Until Next Episode.

The Skipper...

Oh Gilligan, you've done it again.... So I awoke this morning to the new schedule. The agreement that I've made with the roomie (skipper) on my new schedule appeared to go off without a hitch. Woke up this morning to the baby crying, woke her up and both the girls, managed to get everyone dressed and fed including the baby. Dropped off the 5 year old and then the 10 month old and came home with Kira. We then cleaned the entire kitchen and re-cleaned the living room and cleaned the girls bathroom. The toilet was obviously some wild science experiment (I've been waiting for the skipper to clean it since I'm the only one who has, obviously in vain however), second only in being the most disgusting thing in the world to the trash can filled with the 5 year olds pull ups marinating in urine. As a wave of the incredible stench hit me in the face I was officially awake. So after shaking that off the kiddo and I baked some super special princess cupcakes complete with pink frosting and pearl like candies. I had a visit with a special friend from high school and her two adorable kiddos for lunch, the hot-dogs I grilled were phenomenal, okay they were yummy but the queso was better ;) . After that I finished another load of laundry, washed the dishes, and got ready for work, while also making sure all of the ingredients were ready and in obvious places for dinner for the family while I was gone at work, since the skipper openly admits she cannot cook I try to make it as uncomplicated as possible. I dropped Kira off at daycare, and then headed on to make the big bucks at work. As if my day hasn't been exhausting enough. LOL. So work was calm enough, not so bad at all. Only had three patients, nothing too exciting, except for the occlusive dvt (blood clot in a vein) that made me send a patient to be admitted. Got cut early from work since it was so slow and got home in time to find my little girl sitting in bed still awake acting like an adult watching mama mia and playing on my laptop. So freaking cute... she hops up happy to see me and gives me a description of her last 7 hours without me. So at dance class she informed her teacher that she was allergic to jelly (that I had told her so, which turned into, that was because she really didn't like it). Oh and that school (the whole 45 minutes she was there was awesome because she played outside the whole time. Mannnn I envy that little girl, her innocence, her ability to live care free completely oblivious to all of the insanity that surrounds her in this corrupt and complicated world. No bills no worries, just hugs and kisses, princess cupcakes and cuddling in bed with her mommy. Her biggest worry is wether or not mommy will let her play noggin on the computer. After filling me in, she blesses me with a personal leg massage since I had such a hard day at work. So as I sit here gushing on my day, she's down there still intermittently watching mamma mia sporadically massaging my legs with an ice cold lotion soaked wash cloth. Life is good. Oh P.S. the skipper took the beautiful vases from the living room and placed them in my room, guess she didn't like them, hahah.

A New Day

So hardy har har, I feel like my life is a gigantic joke right now. No matter what I do, I can't gain headway, I'm living bound only by my desire to make the others around me happy. I'm a pleaser, as long as everyone around me is happy shouldn't I be happy too? But as I try and try I fail and fail...Miserably. So today I spent all morning finally making an attempt at making the house I share with the room-mate feel more like a part of me, I do have to say it does look quite nice considering it was hap-hazardly put together. A touch of class and elegance to a forest green very worn sectional lounger that she purchased on craigslist. After all I had done my room-mate comes out and says wow it looks like Christmas in here. OUCH. Nothing like a gigantic slap in the face when I managed to make it look like people of class lived here. Not only had I done that but cooked dinner for the entire family as well. Funny I thought for a moment that she would love it, but I knew her decorating style prior to us moving in I should have expected this much. It's funny because she's told me, to make the house mine, to be the decorator because she knows I'm good at it and when I finally do, its not what she meant obviously. Did she ask me before buying a green sectional? Nope just texts me, he how do you feel about bright forest green? Wow. I'm beginning to think more and more that I was never meant to be a room-mate person. I happen to think I'm an awesome room mate. I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, and organizing. I keep my personal mail, junk, and belongings in my room. I feel trapped, I don't want to leave my room mate here alone in a house in a city where she knows no one, alone with two children. She's having a hard time as it is. But the longer I stay in the house the more sanity I lose. I have a need for cleanliness, and my own decorating style, to not feel responsible for my kiddo possibly destroying her things, or saying mean things to her daughter. I barely make enough money to pay for the rent and Kira's daycare, let alone my car payment, insurance, phone bill and payments on my 55,000 in student loans. My life ultimately blows for the moment. And I feel so backed against a wall. My love life is even more comical. I come the closest to true love yet and after a series of events find myself doubting that love exists at all, at least in the romantic sense. But those feelings just wont subside. Then there's my ex-ex... aka Baby Daddy as most call the father of their children, my family and friends have much other choice names for him, however. I take a job in the shit hole of the valley and completely change my life again to give him the opportunity to see his child. Lived all but 1/2 mile away and he saw her at the most 2 to 3 times a month. Since I have moved back in August he's seen her a whopping 3 times due to his "very busy" schedule. And he is now officially 8 months behind in child support! But when I picked Kira up from his house last weekend his new BMW sure was nice! And to boot his girlfriend is pregnant, saw it with my own two eyes because I am apparently not even allowed to see Isaac anymore, let alone speak to him on the phone. He's only allowed to text me. LOL. Wow, I wish I had had the lock down on him that this one does, then he might actually still be a part of Kira's life. Oh well his loss. On a better note, my friends of long are still my best buds, keep me in line, just wish I saw them more, looks like due to my ever changing work schedule I will be working only evenings now so I can kiss my social life goodbye, hahahaha. Life, it just keeps getting better. I promise my blog entries to be more entertaining in the future, however the venting was necessary.

What's A Girl To Do.

All grown up now, at least that's what they tell me. You have to do this, you have to be this. The limitations of society, the expectations of everyone deem it so. But in matters of the heart I've always felt so scholarly, perhaps I was wrong. I always believed that if you did everything in your power... even when you felt you couldn't...to show how much someone meant to you they would always be there. Misplaced judgement may be the culprit here. When did "I love you" become "I love you...but" isn't love unconditional? When you say you care is it always true? When you beat your head against that wall over and over again isn't someone supposed to stop you? Like a young child reaching out for the beautiful flame, that first time burned is a lesson learned for eternity, you will always remember just how hot that fire burned. Yet again and again we place our hand in the flames just hoping this time it won't scorch us as before. But it does again and the lesson is charred darkly in our hearts. We all have this perfect idea of what a relationship is, how it should make us feel, but that burning we remember all too well arises all too quickly in our memories with it's bold warning. So what is a girl to do, go out on that ledge and jump open armed into that bonfire we call love? My question is why should I? You stood there and stoked the fires, beckoning me closer with the promise of warmth and desire. My chilled body was only too willing to step closer and closer though the warning in my mind screamed it's forseen pain. I silenced the warning and stepped closer, not burning yet, only enjoying the beautiful warm tones that tickled my being. One step closer...do i smell smoke? But you threw gasoline on our fire and it began to rage. I was engulfed and left dead and lifeless. Burnt beyond recognition. How could you, why would you. Instead of pulling me out, putting out the flames that left me to my death, you turned away, the last memories of your back is all my soul can remember. Your back... as you ignored my calls to you, my beckoning, my last plea. So here lies my ashes, and the seed of life has long been dead. It died along with my body, may the rain wash me away to a better place, a safer place. Where the fire no longer burns and the gentle rock of the waves of life lull me to sleep on my lifes journey. The End and the Beginning.