Belief

So after receiving the good news about my new job opportunity I made it a point to call everyone close to me. The most important call was to my grandmother, due to the overwhelming stress of her daily life these days, her response to my good news meant the most to me. As I told her she started crying and thanking God. She had been so worried and in all the bad that has been of late, this was one prayer that had finally been answered out of so many. Her true love for myself and Kira may have been the one prayer that made it finally come to fruition. It started me wondering on how strong prayer and positive thought truly is. Wether you're a christian, or a muslim, or an atheist our own beliefs power how we live our lives. It's like we've all forgotten how to use our most powerful tool, and that tool is belief and thought and doesn't require anything other than something we already have. We just have to remember how to use it and in the right way. This whole world is driven by thought and belief, in right and wrong, in god and hell. What if it wasn't so much about what you believed in but HOW we believed in it? One of the incredible things about humans is that we all need something to believe in, it gives us purpose because if we have nothing to believe in it would make our existence meaningless. I honestly don't care what one person or the other believes in as long is it doesn't involve crucifying someone else for not thinking like I do. As we are all individuals and entitled to believe in anything we want, there are some common things worth believing in as HUMANS. Love, peace, happiness. If we could step back from that mirror and stop separating our selves from each other by race, religion, and social class, we could see that we all hurt the same, we suffer the same, we all bleed the same color. Is it truly so hard to comprehend? If we just believe in each other and that love and life can prevail what prevents us from achieving true happiness? Only ourselves, our minds, and what we've been programmed to think by our predecessors. We let the media form our images of what is "cool" tell us what is "news" and we all believe in it, and because we do it truly is so. Most people never question what the media feeds us because it goes against what we've been taught our whole lives. It gives us something to believe in, and thus feeds the human need for that reason for living. We live to feed that lust for what the media tells us we need. We need to look a certain way, we need to own a certain car, we need to believe in politician's and huge governmental cover ups. If we don't believe in what we're constantly being fed by the media then what is there to believe in? I'll tell you what... the smile your child gives you when they look up at you and genuinely love you for no other reason than you love them that much too. Believe in that tingle you get in your tummy when you are with that special someone that makes your life seem not so bad. Believe in the love your parents gave you when they held your hand, and kissed your boo boos. Those things are real, they are tangible moments when belief played the biggest role in your life and you never even knew it. So here was my grandmother going through one of hardest times in her life believing in ME. That is something worth believing in. Just like I hope you can all believe in something that is finally worth it, wether it's God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah, an idea, a feeling, or just in man kind in general, take that belief, cherish it and let it be a positive moving force in your life, because in one way or another it will make itself a reality. I had lost hope lately, believing that I had lost the battle. But I believe my grandmother's sound belief in prayer and myself brought this turn of good luck to fruition and it makes me believe in her love even more. A wonderful life's lesson, look outside the box and deep inside yourself, the answers are there if you are ready and willing to believe in you and less in what everyone else wants you to. Be an individual, an original, and the possibilities are endless.

And So It Is.

Just like you thought it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time. Okay maybe not. Life just keeps taking interesting twists at every fork in the road. Yesterday my grandfather collapsed at the breakfast table convulsing in my grandmothers arms. And only days before I found myself staring face to face with a dead man whom I had never known in the place people go to survive. Seeing this man, who only a few hours before had been living and breathing as I am sitting here typing this, really brought it's hammer down on me. Life is so fragile and yet we live it with such contempt and lack of concern for not only our lives but the others around us. We drive drunk in our cars making us a big metal torpedo destined to ruin someone else lives if not our own, we pump our selves full of toxins, live and thrive on negativity and greed only to die somewhere in a hospital. This man was 43 years old. Not really that old by today's standards. It brought the reality of life and death face forward and then only two days later its right in my face again and life's fragility was exposed in my 91 year old grandfather collapse at the breakfast table. As the bill collectors keep calling I have to remind myself that they cannot squeeze blood from a rock, although I feel like they are trying to. As long as I have the breath in lungs they cannot take that from me at least. My rock, my strong hold, my grandmother has finally succombed to the stresses that have long plagued her life. Today after a sleepless night with my grandfather in the hospital she returned home to a big glass of burbon and water and the honest truth finally tumbled from her lips. She made admissions to being so broke that all of her credit cards were maxed out, she had reached her limit. To see the woman I had always relied on for strength finally crumble made me feel as though I was crumbling inside too, because if she had weaknesses and felt unable to make it anymore, what did that say about myself, with my 55,000 dollars in student loan debt a per diem job that may have me work this week and without a pay check the next over 600$ a month in daycare, health bills, and food for Kira, car payment, health insurance, and her father can't even pay 400$ a month in childsupport. I feel weak, or at my weakest. I'm praying and praying constantly that things get better, a full time job, some stability, a ray of hope in this world. If Kira only new how scared I was right now about what will become of us. I pray that she never does.

In Limbo

Traveling with the bags in my car, and the wind at my back between here and there. Not truly belonging anywhere. So since Friday evening I've been staying at my Grandmother's house, because quite frankly I cannot stand to be at the house. I returned only today to utilize the glory of internet which is absent at my grandmother's and make sure the place hasn't burned to the ground. While it hasn't burned to the ground it looks as though a whirlwind of a tornado has been through here, papers and bags, and pillows and toys and dishes everywhere. YIKES. All of this over 2 days on the weekend? WOW. Can't say that I didn't expect it on some level. So staying at Grandmothers has been interesting to say the least. I can tell that time and my grandfather are finally taking their toll on the strongest woman I know. My Grandmother has obviously been really worked to the bone, she's getting anxious and easily irritated. A side of her I have never seen. My staying there to evade what I've been going through doesn't seem to rub her the right way either, the first time ever I have felt like an uninvited guest in my grandmother's house. So here I sit in this limbo of emotions, wanting to respect my grandmother and her already stressful situation, but afraid of my daughters well being with my working nights. Hopefully after this month I will be back to day shifts and won't have to worry about night care for my energetic 4 year old. So my ex is obviously still in town. When I returned the other day from work I noticed my golf shoes sitting in the entryway to the house. I wish I had known he was going to leave my stuff on my doorstep because I would have done the same thing. It's so sad for the kiddo and I, He still hasn't apologized at all nor tried to have any attempt at communicating how to get the rest of my belongings back. I so wish I could just turn back the hands of time. So in limbo I stand without a truly comfortable place to rest my head. My $13.00 a day budget has been fun maintaining as well. Especially when I'm traveling a good 45 miles each way to San Antonio for work and other things. GRRRRR. Life has got to improve, this limbo must only be temporary. Like so many other facets of my life. Until the next episode.

The Mirror.

So... I am officially the proud owner of my own very hickified western boots. I got out of the country lifestyle long ago, no more party's in a field around a huge bonfire with ice chests full of beer. But some how it appears that western boots are in the up-most fashion. I owe my newest addition to my shoe collection to a very long standing close friend of mine who felt that he owed me a belated christmas/birthday present. As I browsed through the shoes and the most flamboyant salesman ever gushed me with compliments over how posh they were. I neglected to see how much they cost. That was until I got to work and was telling the girls about my first pair of cowboy boots. They asked me if I could show them to them online and when I located them...my jaw dropped!!! I could not believe that my friend had been willing to buy me a random pair of shoes and not once drop the price on me. That one kind gesture put an incredible smile on my face. Why would someone do something like that for me? When I talked to him about it later he said that if anyone deserved a little pampering right now it was me! I had been through so much in the last 4 years and overcome so much, I never thought of how others perceived me in the process. But he said my never ending ability to look at the positive and keep persevering gave him strength in hard times in his life, so inadvertently I bettered his life as well. WOW. It was the biggest boost to my ego that I had experienced in a long time. So the life lesson here is that you should always be aware of how you are reacting in situations, step outside yourself and be aware of how you are projecting on other people. Because you never know how the way you are reacting, either positive or negative, is affecting people around you. I had to scan an out patient at the hospital and the older woman's daughter was there with her, and you could tell that the mother was a complainer and that not much I was going to do or say was going to make her happy. Every time she complained about something I met her needs and did with a chipper up beat tone, by the end of the exam the senile angry old woman had turned into a sweet and loving grandmother, she sat there and thanked me for taking her seriously, said that no one else did anymore. Her daughter wrote a letter to our department wishing that everyone showed the same compassion for people that I did. Funny, because I was just being aware of how I was with her to make her feel more comfortable. There are a lot of people I wish I could just carry a big mirror around for and a tape recorder, or even better yet a video camera, so they could be aware of how they are approaching people. Every time they become abrasive or brash I just hold that mirror up so they become aware of it. Do you ever notice how in photos people look picture perfect smiling and putting on a show, but as soon as the camera is down they return to their normal demeanor . I would like to start taking candid pictures of people when they are wearing their real faces and randomly printing them and handing them to them. In fact I will start my collection tomorrow. For prosperity and such. The skipper is going to be one of the first in my little scientific test. The moment I walked in the door from work tonight I could see the pure ugghhhh in her face. It was obvious I was in for an evening and boy was I right. Apparently her job is in jeopardy. I tried my best to console her and give her the strength she needs but I'm afraid my advice fell on deaf ears. Nothing I said seemed to register. Time to leave this house. I'm working nights and with this added stress to her already faltering personality I can most certainly not entrust her with the care of my daughter. So the commute from Lytle to San Antonio will be easily met now with my new cowboy boots, because these boots were made for walking and that's just what they'll do....

The Vagrant

So another busy day done. Woke up this morning, got the girls ready for school. Dropped them all off, except for Kira and we came home to mop the floor, clean the kitchen, and start cooking dinner so it will be ready for dinner this evening. As I sat there teaching Kira how to fold towels I was reminded of the sweet memories of helping grandma do exactly the same thing at that age. So here is my own flesh and blood growing up the same way I did, valuing the same things that I did, and growing into her own person beautifully. So work was slow enough again, but my last patient was a vagrant, who stunk horribly of booze. But in his fog of lude remarks and distasteful statements he said something that fell very heavy on my shoulders, he stated that he wished his wife could be there with him but that she had left him to go to heaven. He told me that love was the one thing in his life that was ever worth anything, and that if I loved someone to hold on to them tight and show them every day how much they mean to you, because one day they won't be there anymore and you need to know for your own well being that they were always aware of that. Here I was in a room with a quote un-quote bum that knew more about love than half of the people I'm constantly surrounded by. I shared a few laughs with the man that has sung with the blues brothers, lived in the cajun bayous eating alligator, and was a self professed life long hippy and as I left his room felt comfortable knowing that at least one person sat down and listened to his amazing story and didn't judge him and blow him off like he was the trash that he probably slept in before they brought him into the hospital. How many of us could say honestly that in a different situation we wouldn't have turned a blind eye to him and acted like we just didn't see him. But here he was professing one of the greatest truths of our generation, because if we could only treat everyone with that love, that kindness, that compassion, how much better would this world truly be. Finally done with my day I get home and my daughter meets me at the door with all kinds of confessions. First she cleaned the toilet (gulp) she witnessed me do the same thing the other day and took the initiative on my own while she was supposed to be asleep, she played with my makeup in my bed only to get it all over the bed (white sheets by the way) , and then she tried to clean it up which only fully rubbed it in, probably making it impossible to get out. All of this with the spanish news channel on. WOW. It took everything in me not to bawl my eyes out in frustration, the room was destroyed and my daughter could have ingested lord knows what and my room mate would have known absolutely nothing. NOT GOOD. I think Kira is fully aware of how upset I was too, she started crying when she saw me tear up. Not only all of this but Kira had not been bathed, she was not in her PJ's or even brushed her teeth. What did the skipper do with her other than feed her the food that I had already prepared for dinner? Put her in my room to go to bed, without a bath/shower, pj's or a good toothbrushing? Way to go, her day must have been really hard, or she must have been overwhelmed with housework. OH WAIT!! I did the dishes, washed the laundry, cooked dinner, and cleaned the house.... hmmmmmm. I am officially tired and have to get up early to take the girls to school in the morning so I'm officially signing out. Until Next Episode.

The Skipper...

Oh Gilligan, you've done it again.... So I awoke this morning to the new schedule. The agreement that I've made with the roomie (skipper) on my new schedule appeared to go off without a hitch. Woke up this morning to the baby crying, woke her up and both the girls, managed to get everyone dressed and fed including the baby. Dropped off the 5 year old and then the 10 month old and came home with Kira. We then cleaned the entire kitchen and re-cleaned the living room and cleaned the girls bathroom. The toilet was obviously some wild science experiment (I've been waiting for the skipper to clean it since I'm the only one who has, obviously in vain however), second only in being the most disgusting thing in the world to the trash can filled with the 5 year olds pull ups marinating in urine. As a wave of the incredible stench hit me in the face I was officially awake. So after shaking that off the kiddo and I baked some super special princess cupcakes complete with pink frosting and pearl like candies. I had a visit with a special friend from high school and her two adorable kiddos for lunch, the hot-dogs I grilled were phenomenal, okay they were yummy but the queso was better ;) . After that I finished another load of laundry, washed the dishes, and got ready for work, while also making sure all of the ingredients were ready and in obvious places for dinner for the family while I was gone at work, since the skipper openly admits she cannot cook I try to make it as uncomplicated as possible. I dropped Kira off at daycare, and then headed on to make the big bucks at work. As if my day hasn't been exhausting enough. LOL. So work was calm enough, not so bad at all. Only had three patients, nothing too exciting, except for the occlusive dvt (blood clot in a vein) that made me send a patient to be admitted. Got cut early from work since it was so slow and got home in time to find my little girl sitting in bed still awake acting like an adult watching mama mia and playing on my laptop. So freaking cute... she hops up happy to see me and gives me a description of her last 7 hours without me. So at dance class she informed her teacher that she was allergic to jelly (that I had told her so, which turned into, that was because she really didn't like it). Oh and that school (the whole 45 minutes she was there was awesome because she played outside the whole time. Mannnn I envy that little girl, her innocence, her ability to live care free completely oblivious to all of the insanity that surrounds her in this corrupt and complicated world. No bills no worries, just hugs and kisses, princess cupcakes and cuddling in bed with her mommy. Her biggest worry is wether or not mommy will let her play noggin on the computer. After filling me in, she blesses me with a personal leg massage since I had such a hard day at work. So as I sit here gushing on my day, she's down there still intermittently watching mamma mia sporadically massaging my legs with an ice cold lotion soaked wash cloth. Life is good. Oh P.S. the skipper took the beautiful vases from the living room and placed them in my room, guess she didn't like them, hahah.

A New Day

So hardy har har, I feel like my life is a gigantic joke right now. No matter what I do, I can't gain headway, I'm living bound only by my desire to make the others around me happy. I'm a pleaser, as long as everyone around me is happy shouldn't I be happy too? But as I try and try I fail and fail...Miserably. So today I spent all morning finally making an attempt at making the house I share with the room-mate feel more like a part of me, I do have to say it does look quite nice considering it was hap-hazardly put together. A touch of class and elegance to a forest green very worn sectional lounger that she purchased on craigslist. After all I had done my room-mate comes out and says wow it looks like Christmas in here. OUCH. Nothing like a gigantic slap in the face when I managed to make it look like people of class lived here. Not only had I done that but cooked dinner for the entire family as well. Funny I thought for a moment that she would love it, but I knew her decorating style prior to us moving in I should have expected this much. It's funny because she's told me, to make the house mine, to be the decorator because she knows I'm good at it and when I finally do, its not what she meant obviously. Did she ask me before buying a green sectional? Nope just texts me, he how do you feel about bright forest green? Wow. I'm beginning to think more and more that I was never meant to be a room-mate person. I happen to think I'm an awesome room mate. I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, and organizing. I keep my personal mail, junk, and belongings in my room. I feel trapped, I don't want to leave my room mate here alone in a house in a city where she knows no one, alone with two children. She's having a hard time as it is. But the longer I stay in the house the more sanity I lose. I have a need for cleanliness, and my own decorating style, to not feel responsible for my kiddo possibly destroying her things, or saying mean things to her daughter. I barely make enough money to pay for the rent and Kira's daycare, let alone my car payment, insurance, phone bill and payments on my 55,000 in student loans. My life ultimately blows for the moment. And I feel so backed against a wall. My love life is even more comical. I come the closest to true love yet and after a series of events find myself doubting that love exists at all, at least in the romantic sense. But those feelings just wont subside. Then there's my ex-ex... aka Baby Daddy as most call the father of their children, my family and friends have much other choice names for him, however. I take a job in the shit hole of the valley and completely change my life again to give him the opportunity to see his child. Lived all but 1/2 mile away and he saw her at the most 2 to 3 times a month. Since I have moved back in August he's seen her a whopping 3 times due to his "very busy" schedule. And he is now officially 8 months behind in child support! But when I picked Kira up from his house last weekend his new BMW sure was nice! And to boot his girlfriend is pregnant, saw it with my own two eyes because I am apparently not even allowed to see Isaac anymore, let alone speak to him on the phone. He's only allowed to text me. LOL. Wow, I wish I had had the lock down on him that this one does, then he might actually still be a part of Kira's life. Oh well his loss. On a better note, my friends of long are still my best buds, keep me in line, just wish I saw them more, looks like due to my ever changing work schedule I will be working only evenings now so I can kiss my social life goodbye, hahahaha. Life, it just keeps getting better. I promise my blog entries to be more entertaining in the future, however the venting was necessary.