Why I Hate Being A Woman

Did I shave my legs for this? Really?!?! As women we're supposed to be strong, yet dependant. If you're too independent men don't like that. Men need to feel needed or they feel like they aren't in a relationship. But if we're too needy oh watch out, because no one slams a door closed faster than a man fearing for his bachelor years. The sad truth is that things that make a strong woman needy can't be Pre-empted or prophesized. It's those life shattering, changing, events that make us want to rely on the strength of someone else. Marilyn Monroe said it best that at times I'm a little crazy, and a little out of control but if you can't handle me at my worst why would you deserve me at my best? So what do you do when you rely on that special someone in that time of weakness and they continuously remind you of that weakness to the point that they claim you are selfish for them always coming to your rescue. It's not fair, it's not right, but this wound is taking longer to heal than I anticipated. When you truly believe that someone is your soulmate heart and soul what do you do when they rip the Heart from your chest and spit on it? Forgive? Forget? I can't do either yet. The one thing that gives me any kind of pleasure is knowing that what he said to me was so wrong that one day he's going to look back and realize just how badly he wronged someone that loved him with all of their heart. What's wrong is that I have to live with this devastation, what if I never ever feel that way about someone ever again? What if that was my one chance to feel that sparkle, that tingle, that magic? I know before "him" that it never existed, what if it doesn't after? What if because of his blow up I spend the rest of my life searching endlessly for that kiss, that smell, that happiness I had only with him. He's still caught up in his anger, probably just sitting waiting for the opportunity to destroy me once again, while I wait for the opportunity to let him do it, just to know for even a second he was thinking about me. I hate being a woman... Because men don't suffer like this. They cheat, they lie, they destroy women in their path and laugh about it, turn it into a joke with their friends. While women muster up the strength to try once again to find romantic fullfilment until the next man decides they're some sort of emotional wreck with baggage. Being a single mother as well; that brings on a whole other list of social faux pauxs. Just because some other man treated us badly we obviously don't deserve to be loved, nor appreciated for the sacrifice we've made. We apprently are all destined to single-motherdom for eternity because we're bipolar and selfish. The sacrifices that we make to support our children always go unnoticed and unnappreciated. It's bull shit. This is why I hate being a woman because it's a biased world geared toward male satisfaction where no matter what women do or suffer through they will never be loved or appreciated the way they deserve because that's just not the way this world works. Until the next episode...

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

Rollercoaster Ruckus

Has anyone else noticed that life as intricate and detailed as it is seems to be really just follows suit with whatever everything else is doing. When things are up...they are all the way up; but when they're down holy moly hold on to your britches because you're about to get bitch slapped with 3 G's worth of negative gravity right in the freakin face. It's like a snowball effect, it starts with one little thing and then another and another. Where is that red emergency button to end the whole ride, I'm flailing my arms in every direction on this downward slope hoping to find that button and prevent me from screaming aloud like a wee little girl, but I have yet to find it. It all started with a little trip to the er last week and is now snowballing into that two month full time position turning into a 1 and a half week full time position. Ironic how I had finally had the positive outlook I had been searching for and then bammm right in the kisser that rollercoaster went into some sort of death defying triple roll that sent me crying to mommy, but at least I didn't throw up my cotton candy. Man, what a bittersweet taste this whole year has already left in my mouth, something like a combination of burnt coffee and rotten papaya. So what to do next, how to make this evil rollercoaster stop? I would really prefer to go ride on the kiddie one with Kira and live oblivious to all of the stresses, insults, and degradations I've had to suffer and just chug along with a big smile on my face...simply enjoying the mild ride. The old addage we live and we learn is so true. I just wish that learning didn't have to be so painful all of the time. But if it wasn't painful it wouldn't etch it's lesson quite as well into your soul though no would it? The one phrase I hate the most though is the "everything happens for a reason" quip. I despise it, ugh. What if, let's just say, everything doesn't happen for a reason. That there is no rhyme and no reason to why bad things happen to good people. Like the 3 year old child dignosed with cancer, or the 2 year old asleep in her bed that is killed in her own home by a drunk driver that plows through her house. What if... We just say that there is a reason for everything that happens to help us cope with our personal dilhemmas so that we don't feel so bad. As humans without having something bigger/greater/outside of ourselves to blame for our misgivings and hardships it would mean we would be responsible and us soully for what occurs. Most of us are too prideful, arrogant, and brainwashed to see that. Perhaps coincidence is just bull shit, perhaps everything happens for reason is a crock of crap we tell ourselves to keep us from losing our minds. Truth is we've already lost them in the ideas and concepts and misgivings of a society who has programmed us to ride this damn rollercoaster, and while I'm still searching for that red emergency stop button, I'm pretty sure I'll never find it. John Mayer wrote an increadible song called Stop This Train, I think I'll listen to it a million times today. Until the next episode.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

Irony and honesty...

Ho hum, life it is... Honest and ironic. Honest in the way that you always end up finding out the truth and ironic in the fact that you hardly expect half of what comes your way upon learning that truth. It's increadible to me that honesty, though rare, is demonstrated in the most unhonest ways possible. You can be with someone for an eternity and until something grand happens you never truly know how they really feel about you, themselves, or any given situation. Irony is a key aspect to that, the most inconceivable ideas are most often the most ironic because the simple and most rational answer and outcome usually sits right before you in actuality. So for myself irony entails... A) moving away from the skipper and back with my family to be more at peace, then B) having my entire world fall apart making such peace unobtainable. In a previous blog I mentioned those masks we all wore. How we perceive ourselves or at least choose to in front of the world. I have always perceived myself in a way that I was comfortable with; it was an archetype I had accepted. Single mom, friend, employee, daughter, etc. But not once in my perception of my self had I included the choice phrases my ex decided to bestow upon me yesterday. It was evident that his brutal honesty over how he felt about my past, was something he had long been containing. The irony in it is that he had just moved to San Antonio to " be with the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with" so now he's here in San Antonio and has electively destroyed myself and any beautiful memory I had ever had of us. The world and this life are honest, they've waited a while to show the reality of someone who I thought I knew very well. But in irony and honesty, which seems to encompass every aspect of my life, I feel grateful that I can know who he really was. I was upset I cried I beat myself up and then I recognized no matter what he said to me, I know the honest truth and he has to suffer through the rest of his life knowing he wronged someone who loved him and forgave him for more than she ever should have. I take in a deep breath and as I exhale the blackness and the pain I feel leave me and forgiveness and hope move in. Hope for something better for us... Where honesty plays the biggest part and irony leaves us all pleasantly surprised. Until the next episode...