The Resolution...

Woaaahhhh buddy 2011 is here, we all have the opportunity to make a resolution to last us at least the first month of the new year. And while I'm jumping on this little band wagon it intrigues me why we chose to make such plans to better ourselves at specifically this time of the year... So I decided to look a little into the origins and in actuality its been going on for quite some time. The tradition of the New Year's Resolution goes all the way back to 153 B.C. Janus, a mythical king of early Rome was placed at the head of the calendar. With two faces, (sounds like some people I know lol) Janus could look back on past events and forward to the future. Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions and many Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies and also exchanged gifts before the beginning of each year. The New Year has not always begun on January 1, and it doesn't begin on that date everywhere today. It begins on that date only for cultures that use a 365-day solar calendar. January 1 became the beginning of the New Year in 46 B.C., when Julius Caesar developed a calendar that would more accurately reflect the seasons than previous calendars had. The Romans named the first month of the year after Janus, the god of beginnings and the guardian of doors and entrances. He was always depicted with two faces, one on the front of his head and one on the back. Thus he could look backward and forward at the same time. At midnight on December 31, the Romans imagined Janus looking back at the old year and forward to the new. The Romans began a tradition of exchanging gifts on New Year's Eve by giving one another branches from sacred trees for good fortune. Later, nuts or coins imprinted with the god Janus became more common New Year's gifts. In the Middle Ages, Christians changed New Year's Day to December 25, the birth of Jesus. Then they changed it to March 25, a holiday called the Annunciation. In the sixteenth century, Pope Gregory XIII revised the Julian calendar, and the celebration of the New Year was returned to January 1. (information courtesy of ezine articles) So while the tradition of resolutions have been around for literally ages the resolution it's self has turned from an external attempt to change or better your situation into an internal one. While old enemies used to bestow gifts upon each other for forgiveness we now decide to start exercising, quit smoking, stop eating fast food, etc etc. I guess it just shows how egocentric our culture has become. Instead of looking outside of our selves bettering our situations with those we have wronged or vice versa, we are constantly fighting the enemies inside ourselves. So food for thought, perhaps this year instead of vaguely attempting to conquer some inner demons why don't we work on repairing our relationships past, those we have wronged, and those who have wronged us. Take a different approach at a resolution of the ages. This world would be such a wonderful place if we could all look each other in the face and say "I forgive you, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, etc." How healing for our souls such a new years purging could be! The weight it would take off our shoulders giving us the freedom we never thought we could have. The wise men of old ages saw it fit to do such, and I'm always speaking of returning to the ways things used to be I might just change my take on the resolution to better my life externally, while giving me internal peace. Who's coming with me :) Signing off from the island...

The New Guy on the Island

So maybe someone can explain to me how two people that have known all of the same people and grew up (well kind of) in the same town can go 28 years without meeting each other? Ha ha well I can, Fate. God has incredible sense of humor, or maybe he just always knows better and when exactly to put someone in your life. He tends to do it, especially when you need it... smart guy that God. So yes, there's a new beau in my life. He sure is special... gets me all giggly. Funny thing about this one, he's totally different from any route I've ever gone, in the best way ever. Simple, humble, non-judgmental, talented beyond all reason, handsome, and best of all he spoils the crap out of me. Not with fancy dinners, or expensive gifts but by giving me all he has to offer, especially his time and my own. He's a man, a real one, who works with his hands, and isn't afraid to get a little dirty to fix something, build something, or stand up for the girl he calls his own. He won't complain or whine when he's hurt, but he knows how to show his emotions when he needs to. He acts like a kid, but knows how to be a man when he needs to be. He isn't about showing off even though he's got a lot to put out there, he'll hug a stranger, and be your best friend by the end of the night the first time he meets you. His family is amazing, truly like my own, loving, adoring, affectionate, and welcoming, doting both my daughter and I with the kindest affection we've ever seen. Now I know what I've been missing, and found it all wrapped up into one. A man who lets me be me, doesn't tell me how to dress, or fix my hair, or how to put on my make up, one who loves hanging out with my friends, and my family and no matter how bad he feels he still puts on a happy face. He's seen me at my worst and still thinks I'm amazing. How lucky am I? Guess you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. The frogs just make you appreciate the prince even more when you finally get him. Funny thing about this one... most guys in the past would try to buy their way into my daughters heart, bargaining with getting her a treat, or buying her this toy, and she would be excited to see them, not for them though... and first words out of her mouth would be "what did you get me," "did you bring me something," yeah that doesn't really work for me. See he's different, he actually gives her his time and nothing else, and she can't wait for him to come home, not for some gift she's expecting, but the gift of his hug, or for him to sing her a song, or dance with her, makes my heart sing. And it hasn't sung this loud ever...Yes, there's a new guy on my island, and I'm pretty darn sure this ones gonna last a lot longer than a three hour tour.

Gilligan, signing off....

A Long Time Coming...

It's been a long time since I sat to spill my words out on the white screen of my lap top. But I believe its long overdue. Its healthy for me to go back and read my online journal so to speak and reminisce about where I've been and how far I've come in my own personal growth. So much has occurred lately it's hard to know quite where to begin. The holidays have come and gone and its time to return to the reality of life...the nine to five. The hustle and bustle of the end of this year and the beginning of a new one. And this new year holds so much promise for a better life for everyone. With opportunity and joy. Since my previous blogs about my old living circumstances so much has changed. I'm HAPPY. Genuinely happy. I made the best decision in my life to return to the one town I thought I'd never be so happy to see. To my hometown, my old Alma Mater. Some people have argued the point that moving to an old cow poke town is the last place they would expect to see me, but that is the most unrealistic depiction of my hometown any one could convey. And let me tell you why... Yes, it's a small town and gossip and speculation and conjecture are very common here. But that gossip and "chisme" are great things to have when you're child is a teenager and it's the only way you're going to find out what they've really been up to when they're not in your sights... But there's also family... not everyone is a homebody, this I am aware of. But let me tell you, I am! The tradition and unity of a small town wether for a high school sports event, or when someone is in dire need, this town unites. In a way no big city ever would or could. That feeling of belonging somewhere is what brings people back; generation after generation. My little Kira is the fourth generation in Devine to wear our maroon and gold. And I couldn't be any prouder. Things down here are so much simpler, where a hug and a handshake take you back to a day when people really were who they said they were. Where instead of sitting around playing video games, we sit around actually talking to each other trying our luck at a card game, or warming our selves by a fire pit. Where the simplicity of the town you grow up in keeps your humble, and sane, yet teaches you the meaning of pride. So many wonderful things about this town, and though most don't see it through my rose colored glasses, I finally feel at home, and my daughter reciprocates this simply perfect feeling. The evenings spent on the front porch playing my guitar, drinking a beer with my amazing roommate, while the neighborhood kids all run around playing outside just like the good ole' days, before internet, before people were afraid to let their kids play outside for fear of predators, before video games, before parents were just too tired to spend even a moments time with their children... if this is what small towns have to offer, sign me up, I'll take it. Signing off for now...

Why I Hate Being A Woman

Did I shave my legs for this? Really?!?! As women we're supposed to be strong, yet dependant. If you're too independent men don't like that. Men need to feel needed or they feel like they aren't in a relationship. But if we're too needy oh watch out, because no one slams a door closed faster than a man fearing for his bachelor years. The sad truth is that things that make a strong woman needy can't be Pre-empted or prophesized. It's those life shattering, changing, events that make us want to rely on the strength of someone else. Marilyn Monroe said it best that at times I'm a little crazy, and a little out of control but if you can't handle me at my worst why would you deserve me at my best? So what do you do when you rely on that special someone in that time of weakness and they continuously remind you of that weakness to the point that they claim you are selfish for them always coming to your rescue. It's not fair, it's not right, but this wound is taking longer to heal than I anticipated. When you truly believe that someone is your soulmate heart and soul what do you do when they rip the Heart from your chest and spit on it? Forgive? Forget? I can't do either yet. The one thing that gives me any kind of pleasure is knowing that what he said to me was so wrong that one day he's going to look back and realize just how badly he wronged someone that loved him with all of their heart. What's wrong is that I have to live with this devastation, what if I never ever feel that way about someone ever again? What if that was my one chance to feel that sparkle, that tingle, that magic? I know before "him" that it never existed, what if it doesn't after? What if because of his blow up I spend the rest of my life searching endlessly for that kiss, that smell, that happiness I had only with him. He's still caught up in his anger, probably just sitting waiting for the opportunity to destroy me once again, while I wait for the opportunity to let him do it, just to know for even a second he was thinking about me. I hate being a woman... Because men don't suffer like this. They cheat, they lie, they destroy women in their path and laugh about it, turn it into a joke with their friends. While women muster up the strength to try once again to find romantic fullfilment until the next man decides they're some sort of emotional wreck with baggage. Being a single mother as well; that brings on a whole other list of social faux pauxs. Just because some other man treated us badly we obviously don't deserve to be loved, nor appreciated for the sacrifice we've made. We apprently are all destined to single-motherdom for eternity because we're bipolar and selfish. The sacrifices that we make to support our children always go unnoticed and unnappreciated. It's bull shit. This is why I hate being a woman because it's a biased world geared toward male satisfaction where no matter what women do or suffer through they will never be loved or appreciated the way they deserve because that's just not the way this world works. Until the next episode...

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Rollercoaster Ruckus

Has anyone else noticed that life as intricate and detailed as it is seems to be really just follows suit with whatever everything else is doing. When things are up...they are all the way up; but when they're down holy moly hold on to your britches because you're about to get bitch slapped with 3 G's worth of negative gravity right in the freakin face. It's like a snowball effect, it starts with one little thing and then another and another. Where is that red emergency button to end the whole ride, I'm flailing my arms in every direction on this downward slope hoping to find that button and prevent me from screaming aloud like a wee little girl, but I have yet to find it. It all started with a little trip to the er last week and is now snowballing into that two month full time position turning into a 1 and a half week full time position. Ironic how I had finally had the positive outlook I had been searching for and then bammm right in the kisser that rollercoaster went into some sort of death defying triple roll that sent me crying to mommy, but at least I didn't throw up my cotton candy. Man, what a bittersweet taste this whole year has already left in my mouth, something like a combination of burnt coffee and rotten papaya. So what to do next, how to make this evil rollercoaster stop? I would really prefer to go ride on the kiddie one with Kira and live oblivious to all of the stresses, insults, and degradations I've had to suffer and just chug along with a big smile on my face...simply enjoying the mild ride. The old addage we live and we learn is so true. I just wish that learning didn't have to be so painful all of the time. But if it wasn't painful it wouldn't etch it's lesson quite as well into your soul though no would it? The one phrase I hate the most though is the "everything happens for a reason" quip. I despise it, ugh. What if, let's just say, everything doesn't happen for a reason. That there is no rhyme and no reason to why bad things happen to good people. Like the 3 year old child dignosed with cancer, or the 2 year old asleep in her bed that is killed in her own home by a drunk driver that plows through her house. What if... We just say that there is a reason for everything that happens to help us cope with our personal dilhemmas so that we don't feel so bad. As humans without having something bigger/greater/outside of ourselves to blame for our misgivings and hardships it would mean we would be responsible and us soully for what occurs. Most of us are too prideful, arrogant, and brainwashed to see that. Perhaps coincidence is just bull shit, perhaps everything happens for reason is a crock of crap we tell ourselves to keep us from losing our minds. Truth is we've already lost them in the ideas and concepts and misgivings of a society who has programmed us to ride this damn rollercoaster, and while I'm still searching for that red emergency stop button, I'm pretty sure I'll never find it. John Mayer wrote an increadible song called Stop This Train, I think I'll listen to it a million times today. Until the next episode.

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Irony and honesty...

Ho hum, life it is... Honest and ironic. Honest in the way that you always end up finding out the truth and ironic in the fact that you hardly expect half of what comes your way upon learning that truth. It's increadible to me that honesty, though rare, is demonstrated in the most unhonest ways possible. You can be with someone for an eternity and until something grand happens you never truly know how they really feel about you, themselves, or any given situation. Irony is a key aspect to that, the most inconceivable ideas are most often the most ironic because the simple and most rational answer and outcome usually sits right before you in actuality. So for myself irony entails... A) moving away from the skipper and back with my family to be more at peace, then B) having my entire world fall apart making such peace unobtainable. In a previous blog I mentioned those masks we all wore. How we perceive ourselves or at least choose to in front of the world. I have always perceived myself in a way that I was comfortable with; it was an archetype I had accepted. Single mom, friend, employee, daughter, etc. But not once in my perception of my self had I included the choice phrases my ex decided to bestow upon me yesterday. It was evident that his brutal honesty over how he felt about my past, was something he had long been containing. The irony in it is that he had just moved to San Antonio to " be with the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with" so now he's here in San Antonio and has electively destroyed myself and any beautiful memory I had ever had of us. The world and this life are honest, they've waited a while to show the reality of someone who I thought I knew very well. But in irony and honesty, which seems to encompass every aspect of my life, I feel grateful that I can know who he really was. I was upset I cried I beat myself up and then I recognized no matter what he said to me, I know the honest truth and he has to suffer through the rest of his life knowing he wronged someone who loved him and forgave him for more than she ever should have. I take in a deep breath and as I exhale the blackness and the pain I feel leave me and forgiveness and hope move in. Hope for something better for us... Where honesty plays the biggest part and irony leaves us all pleasantly surprised. Until the next episode...

Belief

So after receiving the good news about my new job opportunity I made it a point to call everyone close to me. The most important call was to my grandmother, due to the overwhelming stress of her daily life these days, her response to my good news meant the most to me. As I told her she started crying and thanking God. She had been so worried and in all the bad that has been of late, this was one prayer that had finally been answered out of so many. Her true love for myself and Kira may have been the one prayer that made it finally come to fruition. It started me wondering on how strong prayer and positive thought truly is. Wether you're a christian, or a muslim, or an atheist our own beliefs power how we live our lives. It's like we've all forgotten how to use our most powerful tool, and that tool is belief and thought and doesn't require anything other than something we already have. We just have to remember how to use it and in the right way. This whole world is driven by thought and belief, in right and wrong, in god and hell. What if it wasn't so much about what you believed in but HOW we believed in it? One of the incredible things about humans is that we all need something to believe in, it gives us purpose because if we have nothing to believe in it would make our existence meaningless. I honestly don't care what one person or the other believes in as long is it doesn't involve crucifying someone else for not thinking like I do. As we are all individuals and entitled to believe in anything we want, there are some common things worth believing in as HUMANS. Love, peace, happiness. If we could step back from that mirror and stop separating our selves from each other by race, religion, and social class, we could see that we all hurt the same, we suffer the same, we all bleed the same color. Is it truly so hard to comprehend? If we just believe in each other and that love and life can prevail what prevents us from achieving true happiness? Only ourselves, our minds, and what we've been programmed to think by our predecessors. We let the media form our images of what is "cool" tell us what is "news" and we all believe in it, and because we do it truly is so. Most people never question what the media feeds us because it goes against what we've been taught our whole lives. It gives us something to believe in, and thus feeds the human need for that reason for living. We live to feed that lust for what the media tells us we need. We need to look a certain way, we need to own a certain car, we need to believe in politician's and huge governmental cover ups. If we don't believe in what we're constantly being fed by the media then what is there to believe in? I'll tell you what... the smile your child gives you when they look up at you and genuinely love you for no other reason than you love them that much too. Believe in that tingle you get in your tummy when you are with that special someone that makes your life seem not so bad. Believe in the love your parents gave you when they held your hand, and kissed your boo boos. Those things are real, they are tangible moments when belief played the biggest role in your life and you never even knew it. So here was my grandmother going through one of hardest times in her life believing in ME. That is something worth believing in. Just like I hope you can all believe in something that is finally worth it, wether it's God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah, an idea, a feeling, or just in man kind in general, take that belief, cherish it and let it be a positive moving force in your life, because in one way or another it will make itself a reality. I had lost hope lately, believing that I had lost the battle. But I believe my grandmother's sound belief in prayer and myself brought this turn of good luck to fruition and it makes me believe in her love even more. A wonderful life's lesson, look outside the box and deep inside yourself, the answers are there if you are ready and willing to believe in you and less in what everyone else wants you to. Be an individual, an original, and the possibilities are endless.